Post 14

Hey there blog people!

What's up in your little world?

Mine, well, all we think about are babies. For instance, did you know that babies use on average 8 diapers per day? So.........with twins, that's 16 per day (yes, I did that without a calculator). So, a large pack of diapers is around 64 diapers and 64 / 16 = 4...which means that a large pack of diapers will only last 4 days at our house. So....that's about $20 for a pack of 64, which translates into $5 per day in diapers. This is the kind of stuff I think about, because I'm the provider. $5 per day doesn't seem like a lot, I know, but it's about $150 per month or $1800 per year, which is probably the amount of money Kelli and I spend on going out to eat......so.....this puts things in perspective.

See, what I need is perspective. Because I don't know how this baby(ies) thing is going to go down. We have too many unknowns going simultaneously, and everyone knows that you can only solve for a certain number of variables with that exact number of equations (well only engineering nerds like me who write blogs...and not very well I might add...but I don't have to tell you that).

ASIDE: Prepare for a classic DK rant....

Have you ever had one of those days where your typing just totally SUCKED? Well today is that day for me. Whatever happened to this whole speech recognition deal? That stuff came out about 15 years ago and it's gone NOWHERE! What's the deal? Are the keyboard people keeping the speech recognition people down? It's friggin BS if you ask me....I swear I'm the only person in the world who hits the backspace key more than the spacebar. To you speech recognition guys, listen up....GET IT TOGETHER! By the way, on my voice-activated GPS (yes I know I am a spoiled child so big deal) when I say "DALLAS" I do not mean "ALICE". No one EVER says into their GPS the word "ALICE" and no one with a GPS ever is going to go to ALICE...so just erase ALICE from the database you bugholds. Back to typing, I should have taken typing in high school. Bad move on my part. Instead, I took Business Data Processing class, which was some sort of program-writing class which requires, ironically, a tremendous amount of typing. Like I'm going to write software...the 80's were such a mess. "Oh yes class, in the future you will write software and programs to do your work for you." Oh that's a great idea! Instead of doing work, let's write programs (which is work by the way) so we can do our work. Why did they try to sell that idea to us? I think my biggest software writing victory was being able to spell my name all across my screen on the Radio Shack TRS-80, that probably cost my school about $8000. Nowadays we wouldn't even sit our drinks on a computer like that (well I might). ...and turns out all this computering and internet technology that took 30 years to develop is used mainly so people can hook-up online, look at nekked pictures of people, and buy stuff. Jeez...that was worth it.

I wish someone would have just sat me down and told me this "Ok, here's the deal...go to college and get a Bachelor's degree in the easiest thing you can think of, then go to law school" That is genius...and even if you don't practice law, people still think "Oh, he has a law degree....wow!" Going to engineering school was such a whip, especially when, after you spent four years memorizing formulas and all this stupid stuff like LaPlace Transforms and soil mechanics, they give you a big Reference Book and tell you, "Here ding-dong, all the crap you learned is in this book...this is all you need". Poor engineers.......destined to be tortured in school, only to find out that the ditzy good-looking business college guys make more money than you and the hardest thing they had to study was accounting (hey guys, it's plus and minus....and I don' teven need a calculator for that). Oh well....turns out it was all for the best for me...I've got two little babies coming and all is right in the world....see, it all comes back to babies around here.

Ok...no more random aside rambling...

END OF ASIDE:

Back to perspective. You see, Kelli and I like to be in charge of our destiny, and right now we've got a new house being built, over which we have almost no control, and two babies cooking up in my little at-home Santa Claus kit, over which we have almost no control. The other piece of this is that all of these developments are what I call negative cashflow operations. These things have absolutely no, or very little, return on equity (at least cash equity). I know, you have untangibles like love and stuff, but this is a cash-on-cash analysis. Now if we knew that we had two future world class highly-paid female athletes on our hands, growing in the Santa Claus, then this wouldn't be such a nervous proposition....and with the house, well, we can always burn it down and get paid more for it than what we paid (you can see that I have it all planned out).

OF COURSE I'M ONLY KIDDING! I would never do that...as far as you know.

So, we are experiencing a little anxiety over the arrival of the Deuce, which is to be expected I am sure (see...this is perspective). What we are experiencing is I'm sure very normal, however I am quite certain that not many pregnant moms-to-be have to deal with a nutball psycho-britches like me. Hey, at least it's entertaining around here at Sticker Patch Manor, aka, the Dirt Farm.

...and where else but at the Dirt Farm would you find yours truly walking around the Dirt Farm yard wearing a robe and loafers, armed with a giant 10-gigawatt mega flashlight looking for skunks, at 3 in the morning? Still haven't found those SOBs, but I can smell 'em, and I'm not afraid of them either so don't even try that on me. Darn skunks.

Why was I up, pray tell? Well, because K-Sweet was up filling her body with dangerous steroids. Yes, that's right folks, Kelli's 'roiding out. She's looking FIERCE too. She is ripped. Last night she pulled a Kerry Von Erich Body Slam on me and then put the dreaded Sleeper Hold on me. That's the last time I will pull that loud-gum-chewin too....I've learned my lesson for good. Yes, it's Roid Rage on the Dirt Farm.

Just kidding, but it's funny for me to imagine her in her sweaty curly mullet picking me up over her head and slamming me through the Dirt Farm House wood floor. I'd pay money to see that in person. I'm still laughing.

Actually, my little punkin' head has Iritis. Yes, the dreaded Iritis. It's an auto-immune disease where the iris swells up because her own white blood cells are attacking her iris, and the swelling irritates the cornea, which in turn irritates the sh*t out of Kelli. She's had it for about 3 weeks and we've been to more Chinese eye doctors than you can pay a $40 co-pay to. You know, if you want me to feel good about having my sick pregnant wife miserable and me having to see you 3 times a week and pay you $40 each time, then don't park your friggin' Chinese eye doctor Porsche 911 Turbo right at the front door in your reserved spot. Friggin eye doctor.......good grief...only 4 more years of school. What was I thinking?

The last Chinese eye doctor we went to, Dr. Hu, to whom we were referred by Dr. Chu, and his wife Dr. Chu, and his mom, also Dr. Chu (no, I'm not making this up, and yes, that's a bunch of Chu's), told Kelli she had to put a drop of this steroid eye drop solution in her eye every hour, FOR 48 HOURS. That's right kids, every hour she gets up, puts in a drop, pinches her tear duct closed for 3 minutes, then waits 57 minutes to do it all over again....and by the way, SHE'S PREGNANT WITH TWINS! Come on God....can we lighten up on Kelli for a little here?

She's a champ, I tell ya. She is one tough hombre and I love her, and I'm in awe of her strength, I truly am. She withstood the needles in the legs, in the stomach, and in the booty, just so we could GET PREGNANT, then go through all this eye stuff, all while lugging around the Deuce, well, she deserves a medal. She's too good for me I tell you. But of course you already new that.

She's a special girl....and yes I am really only saying that because she's on the juice. She's fierce I tell you, FIERCE!

Anywho, other than that, Kelli is doing great. The babies are healthy, symmetrical, and usually standing on Kelli's bladder, which is hell on her and hell on our toilet paper supply.

Better log off for now.

Thanks for stopping by.

Here's a Six Month Belly pic.

It's funny...they say that when you start being pregnant, you measure your time in weeks, then once you get past 6 months, you measure it in months, then at the very end, you're back to counting in weeks (the big countdown).

...and here's my little pregnant pirate sporting her homemade eye patch (thank you very much)

Poor devil. She is not happy. She's getting better now.

Post 13

Hey there!

Well.....today we found out that Baby A is a GIRL!

So we have TWO BABY GIRLS ON THE WAY!

Woo Hoo! We are pumped.

.....and I am going to be poor, so poor.

So tonight we are tuned in to John & Kate plus 8.....and this is really good for us, because Dude! They've got a lot going on. There are kids everywhere...and she's mean too.

...and this belly she had...good grief! Her belly was INSANELY HUGE!

So we've got no problems that I can see as compared to these yo-yo's. Eight kids! Didn't they already have the TV show?

By the way, Dr. Garner told us that Kelli and the Deuce are doing great! Baby A weighs about 13 oz, about the weight of a can of beer, and Baby B is 15 oz, about the weight of a better can of beer. Kelli weighs about as much as three kegs of beer, and isn't nearly as fun at parties as 3 kegs of beer but...I digress. She gives good hugs though, and she's a fox.

Today we (I actually just sat there like I was watching TV, which is actually what I was doing) measured the Deuce's heads, their hearts, their brains, and other weird things I cannot spell. All very normal sizes and all very symmetrical, which is good because they say people with symmetrical features are more attractive than people who aren't...although I don't really know how you can see people's hearts without a sonograph machine or X-ray vision glasses. I gotta tell you, I'd like to play with the sonogram machine and look inside my own body. I'm fairly certain I could operate it, I mean, I can work an iPod and stuff. Next time I'm going to give it a shot.

Today I got in trouble for using the microscope on the doctor's desk to look at the photo paper they use for the sonogram machine while Kelli was having her blood pressure checked. I know, I'm a big help. I won't tell you what the doctor said they use that microscope to look at, but she used the word "mucousa" and the other word was "vaginal" so...I stopped using the microscope.



Remind me to boil my face and hands later tonight.

SO...how's Kelli's doing? She's doing great! Yesterday we received her special order glider rocker chair thing (well actually we got it Saturday but got around to putting it in the Dirt Farm House yesterday). Pretty typical lag time for us. She is very excited as am I....I mean, I've barely been able to sleep knowing the special order glider rocker chair hadn't arrived yet. Finally, I can sleep. It's pretty nice but doesn't have an ottoman, which I am buying (although Kelli says I can't).

Anyway, back to Kelli (I just had to rub out a charlie-horse for her). She's doing pretty well, except for the random muscle spasms, round ligament pains, and general discomfort. I swear, good thing God doesn't ask you before you're born if you want to be a boy or a girl because, well, we'd all be sitting around farting and watching SportsCenter together...because being a girl is HARD!

Who would pick it? Periods, cramps, dealing with guys, wearing bras, peeing sitting down EVERY TIME, pregnancy, breast feeding, and the list goes on. Good grief, you women out there deserve a medal! (and I'm not just sucking up (well I am a little)). Again, being a girl is hard, at least it seems hard from my side of the fence.

So...Kelli's belly is growing BIG TIME...but it still looks very cute (and will always!). It's like hugging a Santa Clause all the time. Everything else is looking like it always did...super foxy and pretty. She's going to be such a sweet pretty mom....and I better keep that up, because soon she's going to have two more teammates and I've got nothing but a smile and smart-ass comments going for me.

Oh well....our family is on the way and I can't tell you how happy I am. Pink Pink Pink!

Better go....thanks for stopping by.

Also, if any of you have a Lay-Z-Boy Recliner you want to sell us, let me know. I suspect that by the time this thing's over with, we will have the Kelli-dog logging some serious butt-time in a recliner...and yes I'm serious. Lord knows she's earned it.

See ya.

Post 12

Hey there!

How are you doing? We're doing pretty well. As you can see from the cute little baby picture countdown thingy, we are on week 21, which is pretty spooky for me because the Deuce will soon be loose....

Why is this spooky? Well, for me it means a 200% increase in the amount of people that actually rely on me to consistently provide a means to live, and this is pretty heavy stuff. Looking back on all the wonderful things I've had in my life, it seems a challenge to me that I provide the same wonderful things I experienced to my own children, Captain Awesome and Buttercup. Life is pretty hard on a lot of folks, and I don't know if it was just dumb luck, or more likely being blessed by God, that so far I've had a pretty good life. Of course I attribute this to a generous supply of charm and good looks, not to mention loads of humility...but seriously...it's been wonderful, and I'm sure it will be even more so with the Deuce loose in Sticker and Grasshopper land...but it is a little scary. I mean, I'm the Dad, and when I look back on my own experience with my own Dad, it means that YOU have to be able to FIX anything and know how to get out of any jam you're jammed up in....and I can certainly handle that. Fixing is definitely my strong suit....but it just bears down on you and it's certainly bearing down on me now. It's go time...and the Deuce are on the way.

I know...it will be fine...and I genuinely believe that as Kelli and I have been able to get ourselves through a lot of things....she's a wonderful woman and will be a wonderful mom (she already is...technically). I myself have a wonderful mom as does Kelli....I just hope I can be as good a Dad to the Deuce as my mom has been a great mom to me (and yes, still is, technically :) )

Ok, dry your eyes sissy pants.....

Sorry for not posting much lately...we've been stressed out with the new house, the new people growing inside Kelli's body...etc. BUT....we finalized the finish selections for the house (aren't we such spoiled children?) so THAT'S BEHIND US...now it's a big load of HURRY THE *&^% UP WITH THE HOUSE YOU KNUCKLEHEADS for our builder. Of course, as a few of you know, I've made my life's work out of telling people how to build buildings...and tonight, let's just say, you may want to say a little prayer for our superintendent because...well, you all know me and...let's just say when I feel the need for speed, YOU better feel it too, because the one thing I completely lack, besides intelligence, is any amount of PATIENCE.

So if you are reading this blog post Mr. Superintendent, my advice to you is this....put the laptop down and get your butt back to living and breathing and working on my Deuce House.

Ok...I'm good now. Deep breath, deep breath.

So...how's Kelli doing? She's doing really great! (I know, great is an adjective, not an adverb, and I should have used an adverb to describe how she feels, as an adverb is meant to modify verbs, not nouns, but saying Kelli feels GREATLY sounds stupid so....blow it our your participle if you don't like it....and yes, we really focus on grammar very intensely here at the Dirt Farm, mainly because we are very boring, boring people..well I am.)

Anywho...we had a big week last week...THE BELLY BUTTON HAS COME OUT OF ITS SKIN...literally....we are now an outty. This is very troubling because 1) how much bigger will the belly get? and 2) it's not much of a belly bumper if Kelli happens to run the Belly into something like a table, a desk, or a David Karr...there isn't much there to protect her. That's why we've decide that at all times, Kelli will be wearing a semi-inflated tractor tire innertube around her waist to prevent these types of belly-bump-accidents. As soon as we get her a pair of suspenders, we will be maxed for safety....and of course...SAFETY FIRST at the Dirt Farm.

Of course she's not really wearing this....but it's funny to imagine her with this on, don't you think? It is for me.

But why would I be bothered by these kinds of accidents? BECAUSE last week we had another interesting turn of events....THE BABIES ARE MOVING AND WE CAN SEE AND FEEL THEM MOVING INSIDE THE BELLY....

One word.....F R E A K Y D E A K Y !! (well maybe that's two)

Yes, this is really freaky...and what's funny is that Kelli's doctor, her friends, and other noted experts on babystuff, including numerous authors of many of the books in our Baby Book Library of Congress said that this would at first feel like a flutter....like a little angel kiss. Not so much with the Deuce. One day she was sitting on the green monster couch in her jammy bottoms and wife-beater and THUMP THUMP...they came a knockin'.

Now that's some pretty cool biology stuff going on...I mean, we saw these hombres when they had something like 8 cells each, and now they're pounding on the door looking for some food AND WE CAN SEE IT FROM OUTSIDE! Whoa!

They have become very demanding, which just goes to show they have definitely inherited some genes from the mom-unit. Kelli was taking a nap the other day (because she had been awake for over 45 minutes) and the Deuce decided IT'S TIME TO WAKE MOM UP FOR SOME CHOW. So rat-a-tat-tat....up came the K-Dog. I sense they are trying to 1) prepare us for when they arrive and 2) train us for some future monster chow sessions.

This has lead us to have some interesting conversations. First, we are having trouble with names....mainly BECAUSE ONE OF THOSE LITTLE ALIENS HAS REFUSED TO REVEAL WHAT TYPE OF PLUMBNG HE/SHE IS EQUIPPED WITH and two, we have started to wonder about what the babies will look like.

Kelli and I are biological opposites, like ebony and ivory, living in perfect harmony (or whatever you call this...by the way, isn't perfect harmony redundant...would you ever have imperfect harmony? Paul McCartney is an idiot).

Back to genetics....Kelli is a superhot superfox thin, athletic, blonde-hair blue-eyed Aryan superhuman-type, and I'm more of a scruffy, squatty, big-haired dim-witted husky brown-on- brown Mexican-without-a-sombrero type of person. (yes, I wore husky-fit Toughskins as a kid....and still have a butt that could pull a mule out of a ditch).

Mixing us up genetically could be all sorts of fun. I am hoping for a petite, tan skin, blue eyed girl and a strong-as-an-ox husky brute of a boy. I am hoping against hope that we don't get a strong as an ox husky girl, although this may get college paid for..HELLO WOMEN'S SHOTPUTTING. As for a wimpy petite little boy...I guess he could go into real estate.

Anyway...better close for now. We will get some more belly pics up here tomorrow. I've gotta go take a bath and have Kelli brush my hair before we go to bed. I'm so pampered.

Thanks for dropping by.

Oh, I took this picture on 635 in Dallas.....I am hoping to get a very similar set up for Kelli once the Deuce arrive.

What do you think? You can like?