Post 41

Well folks....how the hell are you today?

I'm doing pretty well. Today is June 26, 2008. On this day 38 years ago, I was born to my wonderful mother Patricia and my father, Jerry. I was their first child of two, and I would imagine was a pretty big shock to the entire familial stasis at the time. If you don't know what familial stasis means, well, you'll have to look it up in your Funk & Wagnall's.

Today I'm going to diverge from my normal update on the girls, Kelli, et al, coupled with random musings from an overstimulated and emotionally underdeveloped dude and launch into a concept I like to call "Letter to Boo and Mad Dog" or "Some Things I Have Learned in the 38 Years I Have Lived". Should be interesting. The thought being that they, or someone who knows how to read aloud, can read this and either understand or convey my understanding of some life lessons I'd like to think I have learned and/or are still learning.

As for a quick update before I begin, the girls are doing very well, are making funny noises, are starting to recognize each other, can roll over, are eating food that looks like ABC food (already been chewed), and officially know how to splash in the baby pool. This is big news! Kelli is doing well, is still hot, wears those nutty Spalding-from-Caddyshack madras shorts, and is the love of my life.

So....let's begin. Some of these are a bit "stream of consciousness" but are pretty good.... and knowing all this only took me 38 years....not too bad.

Some Things I'd Like Boo and Mad Dog to Know In Lieu of Having to Learn Them on Their Own:

1. Some things you just have to learn on your own. To that, sometimes you just have to break stuff so you'll know what not to do next time, and you'll know how to fix it when you DO do it the next time. You may need a diagram for this. See me for further explication. The point is....if things aren't getting broken, then you're not doing enough stuff.

2. Love God and fear God. Follow the rules in the Bible and you will be fine. The weird rules in the Old Testament are just that...weird, and are meant to show that God wants you to be respectful of His rules and the rules of others. All that weird cloven-hoofed animals stuff and other Leviticus stuff is just weird. Read it, understand it, and move on. Be a good Christian even when you don't want to be. It's generally a good policy. Pray a lot too. When in doubt....pray.

3. Tell the people that you love that you love them, and tell them even when it seems awkward or weird to say it.

4. Girls like hugs, and guys don't like hugs as much as girls do. Many guys like to get hugs from girls so they can be closer to their girl parts...and smart girls know this. You should know this.

5. Most people are generally good, and you should always give people the benefit of the doubt...I don't really understand what "the benefit of the doubt" means...I guess you are doubting that said person is as rotten as they have been portrayed to be, thus granting them a benefit of your own doubt...I don't know....it's a weird saying. Just remember, people, generally, are good...they start off good, and pick up some stuff along life's highway, but remember that at the core, they are good. It's good to help them remember that you think this about them.

6. You don't have to know everything to get along in life, but you do need to know who to call or where to look if you don't know something and you need to know it. To that, maintain relationships with people you meet along the way.

7. Be respectful of all people, especially those that may be more timid or less outgoing than you are. Remember, a closed mouth is usually the sign of an active mind...or it may be the sign of that they are eating....or both. It's your call here.

8. Listen very carefully to people so you can understand. Pay attention to those who are speaking to you and understand them best you can. If you don't understand, ask questions. If you disagree, you mustn't always reveal this at the time you think it. Sometimes it is required, as in when you encounter a giant load of bullsh*t, but generally you should listen, think, process, then maybe speak...but always think and seek to understand.

9. Become adept at remembering people's names. Learn the tricks early and become good at it.

10. Always keep a few hundred bucks in cash hidden somewhere in your house. Also keep a spare $50 bill in your purse and in your car. When you're in a bind, you can generally buy your way out of it, but if you're cashless....you may be out of luck. Don't always use cash, but have it around in case of an emergency....

11. Don't loan more than $100 to a friend. Any loan to a friend you must assume is money you have thrown in the trash, because when you're friend fails to pay you back, well, just forgive the debt and keep the friend. It's a good investment.

12. Save 10% of what you make. Pay yourself first, then everyone else second. You earned it, so keep some of it. This is probably the single most important lesson you can learn.

13. Read more than you watch television...and don't just read fiction...read magazines, biographies, etc. You can learn a lot from printed words.

14. Don't dress like a slob, and don't go a day without a shower unless you are camping or marooned on an island or something. When you dress like a slob, people will assume you are a slob, and you don't want people thinking you are a slob. Look nice and smell nice and you have half the battle won.

15. 75% of everything is just showing up. This sounds silly, I know, but remember, there are a lot of hard things that must be done in your life, and for the most part, you won't know exactly how to do them or deal with them, and this will exert a tremendous force on you to not attempt them. Just remember, you can figure it out once you get there....but at least get there. Show up...this is vitally important. Just show up.

16. School isn't everything, and grades aren't everything either. Yes, it is desirable to have a good high school academic record that you can use to get yourself into a good college, but don't let the chase for good grades rule your childhood. Get good enough grades, and make a lot of friends, do a lot of fun things, and learn how to be a good person, not just a good student. There are a number of guys in my engineering school in college who were great at calculus, thermodynamics, and other generally nerdy subjects and had very high grade point averages, but never had fun, never learned how to socialize, and never learned how to relate to different kinds of people. Today these guys are still unable to relate to people...and this is the skill most crucial for success after college. Not one person ever in my business relationships ever asked me what kind of grades I made in college....not one. It's irrelevant.

...now if you decide to go to graduate school, well, you need to have good undergraduate grades but I digress....you get the point.

17. Learn a trade or some skill that you can do well to earn money. I learned how to make cabinets when I dropped out of college...this has turned out to be a very handy skill. I will never forget how to do this, and if the world decides it doesn't need real estate guys, well, I can go make cabinets. Learn a "hard" skill...just in case.

18. Don't listen to music that is very very loud. When I was a kid I was told that if I listened to loud music in my earphones for a prolonged period of time I would experience hearing loss. I thought it wouldn't happen to me. I was wrong...and they were right. Which leads me to...

19. Listen to authority, but don't always follow it. Half the time authority figures are truly looking out for you and are imparting advice that is generally helpful...and half the time they have hidden agendas and are manipulating you towards an end they desire. Understanding this is key....figuring out whether what you're hearing is BS or not, well, that's the trick.

20. Always allow someone a way out of an argument, and allow them to save face. Don't corner someone during an argument blocking an avenue for them to gracefully admit fault and save face. Think of how you'd feel if you were wrong and weren't allowed to gracefully admit you were wrong and to get out of the argument with your scalp (if you are having trouble imagining what it's like to be wrong, well, come see me...I'm wrong a lot).

21. Serve people, and give more than you receive. God has put you here for a reason, and only when you serve others and give to others will you understand that reason.

22. Don't curse....a lot. Using curse words shows a lack of intellect and lack of vocabulary. As a father to you two girls, I'd hate for you to use coarse language, but I know it's not all unicorns and rainbows out there. Only use coarse language for effect. Casual use of coarse language dilutes its power, and makes you look like a nasty dope.

23. Don't speed in your car. Going 10 miles per hour faster than everyone else doesn't really get you anywhere and is only frustrating for you having to dodge everyone in traffic which is very dangerous to you and to others. Mathematically, you'd have to drive a full hour to gain that extra 10 miles in distance...and being somewhere 2-3 minutes before you would have arrived had you not sped is hardly worth endangering yourself and others, and is definitely not worth a $400 speeding ticket. For a $400 ticket to make sense (incurring this cost to save yourself 3 minutes) you'd have to make over $8,000 per hour...which equates to roughly $21-million annually...and if you make this much, well, you better have someone else drive you around because your time is better spent doing something else besides driving.

24. Don't be afraid of failure, but be afraid of not learning from your mistakes. The only way to learn is to do things you don't know how to do, which usually results in mistakes being made (because you don't know what you're doing, remember?). Know how to recover from your mistakes, and move on. If you've made a mistake, well, you're growing...and once you've made a mistake, realize it, admit it, seek to understand why you made it, and get back to it. The worst thing you can possibly do is nothing. Doing nothing because you are afraid of failing is to suffer a slow death.

25. It's not the destination, but the journey. Don't get so focused on a goal that you don't enjoy the things you will experience on the way to realizing your goal....because by the time you get to your goal, you will have set newer ones, which will sour the sweetness of achieving that first goal... This is not such a bad thing, but it cements the idea that it's all about what you see along the way...and not just the destination....

26. Take pictures...lots of pictures.

27. Don't focus on the money, but do focus on doing what you love. I have the privilege of doing what I love to do...and it beats the money everyday.

Well....that's it. I'm sure there are many more where that came from, but, frankly, I've got to go get a haircut.

28. Don't delay getting a haircut. If you think you need one, then go get one.

See ya.





Ground Control to Major Tom, prepare for liftoff. Whatever you do, DO NOT pull on the fluffy green frog.

Post 40

Well folks...what's the dealio with you?

I'm just sitting here in my office on the 18th floor of Galleria Tower III, overlooking the lemmings driving to work in their "shiny metal boxes" (sorry, I had the Police on the iPod this a.m.) and, after having read a very nice comment from my old RRHS friend Nancy Lively regarding the blog and the monsters, I thought I'd "put out some more product" so you all would have something to read besides the stupid newspaper, Sodoku (I guess that's how you spell it), or one of the internets.

You see I'm supposed to be reading comments from our attorneys on a contract for (insert boring and esoteric real estate topic here) but I've decided to get hopped up on Starbuck's (Italian Roast is delicious, even though it's not freshly ground) and write a blog post, ie, the crazy ramblings of a dude with collar points in his shirt whose ADHD meds haven't kicked in yet this morning. I don't know if it's the approaching very scary-looking weather which, for some reason, makes everyone hyper, including me, or the fact that everyone's on vacation today but me, and, well, these Baker Botts comments (all 40 pages) don't seem to be an extremely compelling use of my time right now...I must say that if I made $850 per hour (yes that's what the lawyers make) I'd probably NOT be writing this but would be reading THAT.

But............let's roll into this.

So how's it going?

Everything's good here. Kelli's doing great, and her hair seems to be leaving her scalp at an ever-decreasing rate versus its previous rate of departure which was borderline Chernobyl-victim'ish. I know she (really me) is thankful for that. Like I've said in previous posts, hormones, to me, are the breath of God, and they control everything, and, like they say in El Buen Libro, the Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away, and I guess that goes for hair too. Thanks Uncle Hormones for stopping the "taketh away".

Speaking of hair, the girls are finally growing some hair, as the Big Man I suppose is in "giveth" mode right now (mainly because he’s already done some takething as the Deuce both have some wicked bald spots from lying around doing nuthin’). I’m glad to see it, and it was really just a matter of time, in that the Big Hair genes are definitely present in my own gene pool. In fact, my hair is what I’d call “aggressive” in that I have the opposite of a “receding” hair line…my hair line is actually “encroaching” or maybe even “invading”. I’m not sure that “encroach” or “invade” are truly the best antonyms for “recede” but again, coupled with its aggressive nature, these words certainly send the right message. My hair actually grows down onto my forehead towards my eyes, so, I suppose, eventually, if left unchecked, I’d be a Sasquatch, at least the face part anyway…I guess I’d be a face Sasquatch. No, I don't mean it just grows long and covers my forehead, I mean on some mornings, I get up and actually no kidding have a new hair that's sticking out of the middle of my forehead, and it's an inch long or more! Yes, I’m a disgusting animal, I know.

So the girls shouldn’t have any trouble growing a bunch of hair, in that I have hair, and Kelli has hair too, so, I mean, we’re not launching rockets over here…the girls should be ok for hair.

Now as for personality…well, that goes without saying. They already have that…speaking of which, our little Mad Dog, and it turns out that nickname is quite appropriate for our young Skywalker, has quite a temper, and, it seems, is quite clever in combining all the required ingredients for a “temper tantrum” (or what we lovingly call a “bitch fit”) those being the lip pout, sad eyes, cry, feet kick, and hand pump…and yes, I’ve seen the video and it wasn’t pretty. Kelli said she had to smack her little diaper-covered micro-butt with a flyswatter (yes, we are very classy people as we keep a flyswatter in the living room….) to keep her in check, which, of course didn’t work as our monsters have about 5 active brain functions, understanding remorse after being punished NOT being 1 of the 5. So, point being, Mad Dog is showing herself to be, as Kelli so aptly put it last night over our dinner of Fritos, beer, and a cookie, “clever, impatient, and high maintenance…just like her Dad”. But of course!

What? You’ve never enjoyed the culinary delights of Fritos, Shiner Bock, and a cookie for dinner? Well….come over any time. We call it the Carnival Diet, for obvious reasons, and I’m sure those “Mothers of Multiples” reading this can attest, is quite common amongst the “dually-childrened”. We’re saving up some dough for a Cotton Candy machine next month.

Anywho…the girls are doing great. Maddie has learned to roll over, which is great and fun to watch, that is, until she gets extremely annoyed that it’s rather boring lying on her stomach and having to hold up her giant head. Boo, I don’t think, is quite ready to roll over, but she’s mastered the lay-down, and really doesn’t mind being on her tummy either, even though her head probably weighs as much as the remainder of her body. My Granny Karr cemented it when she declared, upon first seeing Boo, “that’s definitely a Karr head”. So, there you have it…she has a Karr head. Poor monkey.

…and yes they are sleeping….

They hit the sack about 7:30 (in the P.M.) and wake up around 7:00 (in the A.M.) and don’t really quite go nuts in the middle of the night like they used to. This is WONDERFUL! I hear they are pretty well behaved during the day, except for Mad Dog being a grumpy pants. Boo Boo is just a happy little monster, until it’s time to go to sleep, at which point the sky opens up and Satan flies down and takes over her body for an hour or so….then Satan gets tired, drops his pacifier, and succumbs to the soothing sounds of Beethoven emanating from the “crazy-ass” mobile that hangs above Boo’s crib (aka, the House of Pain). Well, she sure looks like a sweet girl when she’s laying there asleep…poor little Boo.

I wonder if electronic beeps and bonks in the form of Beethoven played on a $5 Casio keyboard being heard through a $2 tinny speaker continuously for 10 hours a day is going to warp their little brains?

I guess we’ll find out…cuz if it helps them sleep…well….I’m all over it.

Ok….time to get to work....and no I'm still not going to read those lawyer comments. Maybe I'll see something shiny and can stare at it for a few minutes...(come on Aderrall....kick it in).

Thanks for stopping by. See you next time.

Post 39 (or something like that)

LOOKING FOR WORK!





Attention:





We have decided to put Boo to work. She has absolutley no marketable skills, besides looking cute, however, if you need a very short person, say 28” high, who doesn’t know how to talk, stand, keep drool in her mouth, or feed herself, but farts a lot and owns her own welding goggles, please let me know. Boo Boo may be able to help.

Post 38

Hey there.


How're we doing?


Well, that was the longest drought in the history of the blog. Sorry about that.

We've (I've) been pretty stressed out the last month, namely because we've made some big changes at the Deuce House. First, Dad started a new job. Yes, it seems every two years Dad starts a new job, mainly because that's how long it takes for my employer to discover I really have no marketable skills, other than pushing things and picking up heavy stuff. Not really....it's just that an opportunity came along and, for the sake of all of us, I just HAD to take it. I hated to leave Hillwood, because the people there are so wonderful, truly, BUT....I had made up my mind and that's that. The downside being that I decided to do it in the middle of dealing with two new monkeys arriving AND moving into a new house. SOOOOO....it's been tough, but I'm starting to unclench and smile every now and then…and yes, I am pushing out many grey hairs, and Kelli’s hair is just plain falling out. I suspect she may be pulling it out.

The new job is going great, and we are very busy. The house is great, and we are finally unpacked, for the most part, and have even painted the girls’ room (a color we have decided we don’t like…but I digress…). I have installed a few ceiling fans in the house, and even installed one CORRECTLY on the first try (a rare event), and recently celebrated the installation of my 1000th ceiling fan (lifetime)! Yes, it was a wonderful event…I screwed that 5000th ceiling fan blade on with tears in my eyes as I reached a major milestone in my life. I am a legend. But you knew that already.

Anywho, Grandma (official name, “Gammie”) moved down from Missouri to be back in Texas (part of our very busy May) where all her grandchildren and their parents all live, and she’s getting settled into her wing of the Karr Estate on Ben Hogan Lane. I’m sure it’s a bit nerve-racking going from a nice quiet home to total, non-stop chaos, where dirty diaper “marshmallows” cover almost every horizontal surface, there’s always some plastic shiny colorful cuddly thing either swinging, beeping, tinking, or whirring, and a very small person wearing a diaper is either sleeping (yay!), wiggling, cooing, screaming, moaning, groaning, smiling, throwing up in slow motion, or looking generally adorable (even though you may want to spank her butt). Oh well, that’s life in the fast lane for ya.

The girls are all doing well, in that I mean the four women I live with (it’s starting to sound like a polygamist sect don’t you think?) are all doing well. Boo and Maddie typically lay around all day, while Gammie and Kelli run around like maniacs trying to stave off hunger, do laundry, and keep the monsters entertained. I secretly think they just sit around all day and watch Ellen over and over on the ridiculously large TV, but I doubt that’s true….if it was Family Guy, well, I might believe that.

Speaking of polygamist sects, what the heck are those nutballs thinking, marrying more than one woman? I mean, is it a sex thing, or are those guys just masochists? By saying “a sex thing”, is it that, statistically, considering a wife may be “in the mood” approximately 20% of the time at any given time, do you divide the number of your wives by that percentage to increase your odds to 100% that at any given time, you can find a wife of yours that’s “in the mood”? In our example, you’d end up with 5 wives!!!!!!!! Sure, that’s a simple way of looking at it….what if they’re all watching Ellen or Oprah together, but you get the idea… Is it as simple as that? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Kelli with all my heart and soul, but having MORE THAN ONE WIFE? Are you nuts? Let’s say you had just three wives….that’s three times as many shoes, purses, pairs of sunglasses, pairs of very tiny pairs of panties that you can’t fold, and the list goes on. Can you imagine the number of cotton balls they’d go through in a month? You’d have to grow your own to keep up. I can barely handle ONE much less MORE THAN ONE…and I consider myself to be a pretty handy fellow. I just don’t get the whole idea of polygamy. And here’s the capper, if they’re not legally married, then those children are all parents of single parents who don’t have jobs, which makes them eligible for all kinds of government subsidies…what a racket!

Ok….no more polygamist sect commentary. My dander is “getting up”. I don’t know what dander is, nor how it gets up, and I don’t even have a sect, but if those numbskulls can have a sect, then I can get my dander up.

So how are the girls doing?

They’re really doing well. Both of them are very responsive…they love to smile at you, and they laugh that cute little goo goo goo goo laugh that sounds like a cartoon character laugh. They both enjoy chewing on their hands (but who doesn’t, right?) and they both, consequently, have this shiny glaze covering their chins like some kind of crazy drool-goatee…which is adorable and disgusting all at the same time. I guess that’s the funny thing about babies, they are so cute and little and soft, yet, they are also covered in drool, puke, and smell like a combination of poo and lotion all the time. You just want to hug them and squeeze them, and they may smile back at you or laugh or giggle, or they may also fart, poo, puke, or cry, or if you are Boo, you may do all that simultaneously. It’s just a wonderful thing. I love them so much and at the same time I want them to quit whining/crying and to go to sleep. Oh well….they’re funny little monkeys.

Check out Maddie in her sweet loungewear

And Boo decided to go topless....

They're just chillin' chillens. Co Co to go. Word.

Well….better get back to it… Thanks for stopping by.