Post 15

I know, I suck....I'm a terrible blogger. Are you happy now? They say the first step towards solving your problem is admitting that you have one. So, ok, I have a blog problem.

So how's Kelli and the Barbi Twins?

Everybody is doing AWESOME! She's so healthy, and the babies are doing great. We couldn't be happier...AND....THANK YOU ALL FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL GIFTS!

The Dirt Farm is filled with soft, pink, fuzzy micro-sized shirts and super micro socks, and gallons of pretty-smelling purple and pink liquids meant for washing baby butts and bodies. We have little ducks that tell you if the bath water is too hot, and SO MANY beautiful hand-made blankets and clothes. We are soooo blessed with such wonderful friends.

That being said, let me say, THANK YOU from all of us, except for Charlie. He can't quite figure out why all these soft squishy things aren't toys for him to chew on and carry around like his own babies. He's so selfish...of course, you know this already.

Seriously, we have so much stuff! It's awesome, and yes, it's TWO OF EVERYTHING! I can tell this is going to be a challenge. I'm sure the girls are going to require TWO OF EVERYTHING! Two Big Wheels, two prom dresses, two college educations, two drill presses....good grief!

Well....what have WE been up to?

Not much. I've become quite the Susy Homemaker around here! I've even started drawing my own baths at night and have learned to brush my own hair before bed. I know, you'd think I'd feel like some sort of animal or something doing all that, but it's not that bad. Kelli has even asked that I brush my own clothing for lint. I know...the sacrifices I make for my girls!

I've even begun cooking a little, and last Saturday, I decided to make stew! Yes, gourmet right from the start. The Frito-Pie went so well earlier in the week that I used the stew as sort of a stretch-goal. I pushed myself to the edge. This is extreme stew-making.

Kelli bought the meat earlier in the week, and I went to the Roanoke Wal-Mart to go grocery shopping for the rest of the ingredients which is not just water like I initially thought...all by myself. It was weird, well, being in the store for more than 15 minutes was weird. I started out in the section of the store I'm most comfortable with, the parking lot, then worked my way forward into the store. I'm a brave guy, I know.

I actually saw a lot of men there by themselves, which was comforting. Of course, those guys were weenies and I was the Wal-Mart Man Cool Guy, but hey, they need a dream too.
I admit, it was weird, because I usually just push the cart and try to talk Kelli into buying stuff like olives and weird mustards and other man delicacies (radishes!), but this time, it was all business. I had to get groceries for the girls! So...I pushed on into the store. It worked out ok. After 90 minutes and $280, WE HAD GROCERIES! Actually, we had a bit too many groceries...but heck, I figure we'll eat them...and those spicy mustard-filled olives are awesome!

So...back to the stew.

Turns out, cooking's not so bad, especially stew. I mean, stew is like the garbage dump of dishes. If you cut a few too many carrots for the stew, well WHO CARES? It's not like anybody's going to notice. So, like I said, cooking is pretty easy....EXCEPT IF YOU'RE COOKING AT THE DIRT FARM.

Let's start earlier in the day.

See, our bathtub hasn't been draining so well lately, mainly because 1) Kelli has a ton of long beautiful super-fox blonde hair and it goes down the drain and 2) I'm covered in disgusting short black curly body hair and it goes down the drain...so....over time our drain has started collecting this hair mass, along with soapy nasty disgusting stuff...well, you get the picture....our drain is stopped up.

So, since I'm the FIX-IT GUY, I gotta fix it...and I tried pushing wire, water, etc. down the drain pipe to unclog the nasty hair plug, and then I thought "Why don't you just suck it out with the Shop Vac?". SO....I hooked up the Shop Vac, which is one of the finest inventions of the last 75 years, and VOILA! I sucked up the hairball, along with everything else that was under and around the nastiness...and I'm talking black water nasty nasty nasty nasty nasty stuff. But no problem...it was in the Shop Vac. AND...the tub drains now! Woo hoo!

So I rolled the Shop Vac on to the back patio and thought, "I'll clean this thing up later" and disconnected the hose and set is aside.

Back to the stew (I know....hang with me on this)....

So, fast forward a few hours, I'm back from Freak Zone, I mean, Wal-Mart, and I'm cutting up veggies to put in the stew (K-Fed's taking a nap...SURPRISE!) and I go to wash all the potato peelings down the garbage disposal....LIKE I SAID....I'm a cook now!

Well the potato peelings are having a hard time going down the drain so I open the cabinet doors under the sink to check it out (cuz I'm the FIX-IT guy, of course). Everything LOOKS alright (this is Phase 1 of the FIX-IT GUY analysis, by the way) and I immediately go into Phase 2 of the FIX-IT GUY process, which is....I jiggle the garbage disposal motor. Still...it looks ok.

So I turn it back on, cabinet doors WIDE open, and BLAM! The garbage disposal EXPLODES! I mean, it looked like a potato/carrots/crap bomb went off...there was sh*t everywhere! Literally, it explodes!

Of course, a steady stream of expletives come shooting out of my mouth, and guess who decides to see how Chef Karr is doing, but Ms. Napaholic Santa Girl! So K-Fed comes walking in, to see the potato shrapnel that is covering the Dave Karr legs, my socks, the frig, all the cleaning supplies and old flower vases under the sink, the floor, the ceiling, the cabinets, and everything else that didn't have time to take cover during the explosion. She immediately goes into ACTION mode and begins laughing her a$$ off, which triggers me to also begin laughing mine off too. Oh well, so much for my cooking career.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

So, we start cleaning EVERYTHING because EVERYTHING is covered in potato poo, and I decide..."Hey, let's get the Shop Vac out to suck all this nastiness up!" So, I go out back to get the Shop Vac I had used earlier in the day on the tub, hook up the hose I had disconnected, then turn on the Shop Vac.

Turns out that was a bad move on my part.

You see, Shop Vacs, depending on how you hook up the hose, can either SUCK air or they can BLOW air. What we desired was that the Shop Vac SUCK air and potato poo, but WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED was that the Shop Vac started BLOWING...and what did it BLOW? Why of course, all the nasty hairball/soapscum black water nastiness that I had sucked out of the tub earlier...yes....I turned on the Shop Vac and began spraying bathtub sewage all over the kitchen! Good grief! Could it get any worse?!!!! Lord have mercy!

Turns out, the potato mess didn't look half as bad as the potato poo/bathtub hairball/sewage mess I had sprayed all over the kitchen....and in the kitchen no less....oh what a mess....and the smell...it rocked!

Oh that was HORRIBLE....but we had quite a laugh about it. I cracked open a beer and started the clean up. Man oh man, the life of a Fix-It-Guy/Awesome Cook is tough.

Kelli was pretty good about it, and she only gave me a warning and didn't take away my Man License nor my Cooking Learner's Permit. I got off easy.

So....life is fun at the Dirt Farm. We figure, it's not a party until something gets broken....and man we broke plenty of stuff last weekend.

I will close with that....Kelli's doing great and so are the babies...

We're blessed...and yes, we finally got the kitchen cleaned up, and the stew was delicious!

Thanks for stopping by...we will hopefully talk to you sooner than last time.