Post 38

Hey there.


How're we doing?


Well, that was the longest drought in the history of the blog. Sorry about that.

We've (I've) been pretty stressed out the last month, namely because we've made some big changes at the Deuce House. First, Dad started a new job. Yes, it seems every two years Dad starts a new job, mainly because that's how long it takes for my employer to discover I really have no marketable skills, other than pushing things and picking up heavy stuff. Not really....it's just that an opportunity came along and, for the sake of all of us, I just HAD to take it. I hated to leave Hillwood, because the people there are so wonderful, truly, BUT....I had made up my mind and that's that. The downside being that I decided to do it in the middle of dealing with two new monkeys arriving AND moving into a new house. SOOOOO....it's been tough, but I'm starting to unclench and smile every now and then…and yes, I am pushing out many grey hairs, and Kelli’s hair is just plain falling out. I suspect she may be pulling it out.

The new job is going great, and we are very busy. The house is great, and we are finally unpacked, for the most part, and have even painted the girls’ room (a color we have decided we don’t like…but I digress…). I have installed a few ceiling fans in the house, and even installed one CORRECTLY on the first try (a rare event), and recently celebrated the installation of my 1000th ceiling fan (lifetime)! Yes, it was a wonderful event…I screwed that 5000th ceiling fan blade on with tears in my eyes as I reached a major milestone in my life. I am a legend. But you knew that already.

Anywho, Grandma (official name, “Gammie”) moved down from Missouri to be back in Texas (part of our very busy May) where all her grandchildren and their parents all live, and she’s getting settled into her wing of the Karr Estate on Ben Hogan Lane. I’m sure it’s a bit nerve-racking going from a nice quiet home to total, non-stop chaos, where dirty diaper “marshmallows” cover almost every horizontal surface, there’s always some plastic shiny colorful cuddly thing either swinging, beeping, tinking, or whirring, and a very small person wearing a diaper is either sleeping (yay!), wiggling, cooing, screaming, moaning, groaning, smiling, throwing up in slow motion, or looking generally adorable (even though you may want to spank her butt). Oh well, that’s life in the fast lane for ya.

The girls are all doing well, in that I mean the four women I live with (it’s starting to sound like a polygamist sect don’t you think?) are all doing well. Boo and Maddie typically lay around all day, while Gammie and Kelli run around like maniacs trying to stave off hunger, do laundry, and keep the monsters entertained. I secretly think they just sit around all day and watch Ellen over and over on the ridiculously large TV, but I doubt that’s true….if it was Family Guy, well, I might believe that.

Speaking of polygamist sects, what the heck are those nutballs thinking, marrying more than one woman? I mean, is it a sex thing, or are those guys just masochists? By saying “a sex thing”, is it that, statistically, considering a wife may be “in the mood” approximately 20% of the time at any given time, do you divide the number of your wives by that percentage to increase your odds to 100% that at any given time, you can find a wife of yours that’s “in the mood”? In our example, you’d end up with 5 wives!!!!!!!! Sure, that’s a simple way of looking at it….what if they’re all watching Ellen or Oprah together, but you get the idea… Is it as simple as that? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love Kelli with all my heart and soul, but having MORE THAN ONE WIFE? Are you nuts? Let’s say you had just three wives….that’s three times as many shoes, purses, pairs of sunglasses, pairs of very tiny pairs of panties that you can’t fold, and the list goes on. Can you imagine the number of cotton balls they’d go through in a month? You’d have to grow your own to keep up. I can barely handle ONE much less MORE THAN ONE…and I consider myself to be a pretty handy fellow. I just don’t get the whole idea of polygamy. And here’s the capper, if they’re not legally married, then those children are all parents of single parents who don’t have jobs, which makes them eligible for all kinds of government subsidies…what a racket!

Ok….no more polygamist sect commentary. My dander is “getting up”. I don’t know what dander is, nor how it gets up, and I don’t even have a sect, but if those numbskulls can have a sect, then I can get my dander up.

So how are the girls doing?

They’re really doing well. Both of them are very responsive…they love to smile at you, and they laugh that cute little goo goo goo goo laugh that sounds like a cartoon character laugh. They both enjoy chewing on their hands (but who doesn’t, right?) and they both, consequently, have this shiny glaze covering their chins like some kind of crazy drool-goatee…which is adorable and disgusting all at the same time. I guess that’s the funny thing about babies, they are so cute and little and soft, yet, they are also covered in drool, puke, and smell like a combination of poo and lotion all the time. You just want to hug them and squeeze them, and they may smile back at you or laugh or giggle, or they may also fart, poo, puke, or cry, or if you are Boo, you may do all that simultaneously. It’s just a wonderful thing. I love them so much and at the same time I want them to quit whining/crying and to go to sleep. Oh well….they’re funny little monkeys.

Check out Maddie in her sweet loungewear

And Boo decided to go topless....

They're just chillin' chillens. Co Co to go. Word.

Well….better get back to it… Thanks for stopping by.

Post 37

You know, sometimes you just get it right.

These girls, I tell you, are just the cutest darn little monkeys you've ever seen.

Take for instance, this picture.




This makes me laugh a lot. Like right now, I'm laughing as I type this. Yes, I'm still laughing.

It's just the greatest picture, because, well, it's marked up and that's funny for me, but really it shows their personalities.

You have Mad Dog, who is always looking pensive with her very clever and progressive goat and spectacles, and Boo Bear, just out there in the world, waving HOWDY DOO TO YOU with her shiny drool-coated double-chin, handlebar moustache, and the always-funny alien antennae. Plus, the evil spikey eyebrows gives her that mishievous look.

Oh man, I'm still laughing.

Thought I'd share.

Ok, I just scrolled up and I'm laughing again.

How much fun are we going to have with these little ding-dongs?!

See ya.

Post 34

Well, for some reason we skipped Post 34, so I thought I'd reach back and call this one Post 34...so here goes...

How ya doin'?

We're great!

Last night...6 1/ 2 hours of sleep for the peapods.

'nuf said.

I am assuming this will continue until they start teething. Oh well...we're hardened, grisly ol' non-sleepers now, so it won't matter.

Thanks for stopping by.

By the way (no I won't use your stupid little text message acronyms either), my sister Jackie is what many people might call an "artistic" person, being that she's had artism for many years. She has stolen some photos that belong to ME and used them to create some very cute collages for the girls' posterior, or something like that.

Here are them (yes she got the brains, and I got the looks):

Post 36

Well just wanted to practice making a blog post more than once per month...so here goes.

How's it going for you?

Things here are going pretty well. Tuesday night I had the girls all to my self for a few hours which was like juggling chainsaws on a tightrope....not for those lacking intrepidity. Yes, intrepidity, that is what I call an SAT word....you know, one of those words you learned in high school while preparing for the SAT test, where you stuffed it in your brain, held it there for a few weeks, then puked it out during the test.

Point being, it was scary as hell for me.

But.......

That night, the girls slept 7 1/2 hours, which is a personal best for them, and quite frankly is the most sleep Kelli has had in quite a while. Of course we woke up wondering if 1) the monitor was off and 2) we had killed the kids. But...after hauling a$$ upstairs to check, they were both sound asleep! Until...you guessed it, I walked out the door...after that, it was GO TIME. Unreal....7 1/2 hours!



So we thought it was an anomaly, in that Boo is a bit under the weather for some reason, but guess what, last night they slept almost 7 hours! Again, we thought we'd killed them, but we hadn't, and they were sleeping little buggers. Again, unbelievable. Clearly we are child-rearing experts beyond reproach....clearly.



Of course, we have now set ourselves up for a big disappointment for tonight, expecting they will again sleep through the night...well who knows but you can bet we will be crossing our fingers and toes.



Oh, I almost forgot, we had a world record poo yesterday from Boo Butt. Kelli even called me at the office to let me know how big it was....I know....that's nice of her isn't it? ("Just a second guys, my wife is describing this giant bowel movement my daughter just had...."). Yes, we are ready for the country club, no doubt. Back to the poo....Kelli said she had poo from her knees up to her shoulders, which I doubted at first, but, alas, Kelli saved the clothes as proof of the mammoth poo (not like it's going to wash out, and not like we're going to try...yama hama!) and yes, I can tell you, there was poo from shoulder to knee on that child. That's impressive, both from a coverage perspective, but it's also impressive volume and must have required tremendous head pressure...to be able to poo like that takes an incredible force....and the hydraulics of it are impressive as well...but if anyone can do it, it's Boo Belle with the Poo Smell.



So...that's the news from the homefront. Pretty much sleeping and pooing...that's the exciting life we lead over here at the New and Improved Dirt Farm Annex #1. I know, we used to read books, go shopping, look at flowers...but now we just sit and hold little people that eat, sleep, and poop....and we love every minute of it (on average, I guess).



...and in case you were ever wondering why Kelli and I went through all this in vitro, bedrest, NICU, etc...well, here it (they) is (are).





Mad Dog
Boo Belle

Aren't they cute little monsters? Don't you just want to eat them they're so cute!? Let me warn you, though, like all vegetables, make sure you wash the before you eat them.

Thanks for stopping by.

Post 35

Hey there party people.

Ok, so I've been a little B U S Y with 1) moving into a new house, 2) starting a new job, and 3) keeping the Deuce alive....and Kelli and I too...somewhat.

...and yes, to quote one of my faithful blog viewers, "no new posts makes for a dull boy. Spice it up dad, blog-land is getting really bored here..." I say, I'm sorry....I will get right to it.

So...what's happening with you?

Not much here....just moved into our new house (Adios Dirt Farm!) which is fantastic (I love that new house smell, all the chemicals from the new carpet, paint, and appliances...it's a wonderful world we live in!). I also started a new job, which has been stressful but is GREAT!, and Kelli is settling into her new job as a full-time mom, and the babies are really doing well, for the most part...you know, it's hard being little.

I say "for the most part" because, well, they're starting to smile now, which is just so cute and wonderful, and Maddie (also known as "Wiggles") has started to learn how to chew on her hand to soothe herself (no, this doesn't work for adults, so don't try it) and Izzie, who we now call Boo, just struggles to keep her giant Karr head from falling forward, backward (her preferred location), to the right, or to the left. Fortunately for her, if her head falls forward it doesn't really have much room to move in that chin #1 and chin #2 are there to keep it propped up.

The only problem is that if her head does happen to fall forward, she has no chance of pulling it up because the sticky dried formula gooey goo yuck mess adheres chin #1to chin #2 like some kind of baby venus-flytrap. Poor Boo Bell, she's such a pudgy little girl...this weekend, Kelli and I found that she has "feet fat"...she has a thick layer of baby fat on the tops of her feet, and she also has forehead fat too...I'd say those two places are the last refuge for fat storage...I'm not sure where we can go from here with this.



She's a happy little feller though, and it's nice to get some positive feedback every now and then, as opposed to the feedback we have been used to getting which has typically consisted of crying, both soft and loud types, moaning, burping, farting, and throwing-up and/or a combo of any of the above. The other day Boo both burped, belched, and farted all at the same time, which was followed immediately by a big grin.....that's my girl! It was quite impressive, and disgusting all at once. Now I realize how Kelli must feel being my wife...impressed and disgusted all at the same time.

As for Maddie, well, she has what Kelli and I call "a look of serious concern". She's definitely the sensitive type, who likes to have her little routine, and likes to have everything "just right" for her little world to be a happy one...and will definitely let you know if she's having a problem, which is pretty much all the time.
Case in point...



Now, of course, everytime I see this picture, I laugh very loudly, much like you may be doing now. It's not that it's all that cute, but she just looks like such a sad little bugger, yet cute too, all the while sporting that Vincent D'Onofrio buzzcut from Full Metal Jacket (or John Candy from Stripes). This pic's got it all...humor, sadness, cuteness, and a weird haircut.



Man he looks creepy...

So anyway....we're all doing ok. Kelli is really pulling the superhero moves here. She's a force to be reckoned with...she will flat do whatever it takes to get those babies feeling good, and it's really impressive. She is a very good mother to our little baby girls. How she does what she does is amazing to me....and I know, because tonight I had to manage them both.

...and that was F U N....we started with Boo in a full "Daddy I'm Sick" cry, you know, the one where you have no idea what is causing it, and the more you try to soothe her, the more she cries? Well, I put her in one of our 74 bouncy chairs and was praying that she'd stop crying, when Wiggle started in with her moan...louder moan...grunt...groan...spurts of crying...then full crying, with pouty bottom lip and all..while Boo was in a full F5 tornado cry/scream, and all I could do was just focus, pray, and start doing SOMETHING!

You see, with twins, when they both go off, it's tough, because you can't hold both of them and hold a pacifier in their mouths/feed them, etc., because there are two of them and only two or fewer of your arms/hands (check for yourself...it's true). So you have to decide who you're going to work on first and who is going to get to cry...and this is very tough. Hearing your baby cry is not pleasant...it makes me sad and mad and panicky all at the same time.

(What is weird is what I call the "Phantom Cry", where you think you hear a baby crying, but it's something else, like the TV, a large mouse, or a squeaky Conestoga wagon wheel...or maybe it's your own cries as you ponder when you will ever get more than five hours of sleep).

I am sure somewhere in the human genome, there exists a gene that triggers a person to respond to a crying baby. The sound of it elicits a response that can't be ignored, and even Charlie responds to it. He doesn't like it when the girls cry, however, he's not much help, mainly because his paws can't hold a bottle or a baby, or even a beer. Tonight was no different, and of course, true to form, Charlie was of absolutely no help...however, if I had asked him to immediatley start licking himself, he'd have been there. Darn Charlie dog....but we love him anyway.

Here he is hogging Bouncy #32 but he doesn't enjoy the music and vibration like the girls do...he's so sensitive.



So...I managed to keep the girls alive and relatively unharmed for a few hours, which to me was an impressive feat, (much like when I manage to clean, dry, fold, and put up (you know I hate the put up) an entire load of laundry, when Kelli does this without even thinking about it, but for some reason I see it as a Nobel Prize-worthy event), however Kelli takes care of BOTH babies all day, every day...and I have no idea how she does it. Truly, I have no idea. I can make buildings stand up, but taking care of two babies....is beyond me. Kelli is my hero.

Anywho....better close for now. I will try try try to put posts up more often...things are finally starting to plane out here, and we're down to only 4 or 5 boxes left to unpack...unfortunately one of them has my underwear in it. Maybe the movers stole them...and yes, I am not too proud to tell you I put my underwear in a box, but only when we move.

See ya.

Thanks for stopping by.

Post 33

Hola!

Well oh well....it's been quite a month since my last post. Sorry about that...you all have probably given up on us. Well, don't feel bad, you're not the only ones...we've almost given up on ourselves as well.

Everybody's doing really well!

The girls are doing really really well, and Kelli and I are holding up ok. We seem to be getting into a rhythym, and, after having lowered our standards, are beginning to learn how to operate on 3-4 hours of sleep.

Speaking of sleep...

It's around 6am and I'm still up from the 4am feeding. Good grief...feeding one while praying that the other doesn't wake up and go into full scream mode is tough. Today I learned a cool trick from Kelli...if you have one down on the changing table, you can prop her bottle up on the window ledge behind the changing table while you tend to the other screaming ding-dong. This is a good trick, one that I used only a few hours ago. Kelli is smart and stuff.

Of course, it's really about survival at this point, and those of you with twins understand...it's like being in a machine.

The process:
Either you are asleep or you're barely awake, then you hear the screaming/crying, go in to soothe that baby, hope like hell the other one doesn't go into full scream mode, because if that happens and you are unarmed (without a bottle) then you're hosed, lay her down, put in her pacifier, run downstairs (yes....we have the nursery upstairs, and my glutes are WICKED!), make a bottle (given that you even have a clean bottle and parts laying around...if you don't, then you're really fired) run back upstairs, lay her down on the changing table, change her diaper, put her clothes back on...God-willing...(and all those friggin' snaps!!!!!), (PLEASE DON'T WAKE UP, OTHER BABY!!!) wash your hands (I am only inserting this step in case CPS is monitoring this blog, which is probably a good idea...if using alcohol gel is acceptable, then we're off the hook), put on her bib, which illicits instant crying and screaming because, well obviously, bibs are sooooo horrible and evil to babies, grab a burp cloth or some type of fabric something...even carpet scraps work ok, sit down on THE CHAIR and stick the bottle in her mouth...which, if things are going as they normally are, is wide open in a full scream/cry/devil-conjuring/speaking-in-tongues yell at this point. Of course...the magic nipple turns all the bad things off and it's time to EAT!!!

The feeding itself takes about 30 minutes if you are feeding Maddie, because she's "Slow-Boat" or about 10-15 minutes if you are feeding Isabelle, aka "Shop-Vac". Throw in a couple of burps and throw-ups, and you're looking at about a 45 minute process per baby.

So....let's do the math, because math is the international language.

Time between feedings...3 hours.

3 hours - (45 minutes for one baby) - (45 minutes for the other baby) = 1.5 hours for sleep/eat/shower/laundry/general survival, etc.

As you can see...this doesn't leave much time for sleep, which is precisely correct. The irony, as I've mentioned before, is that while caring for something that requires as much care as a baby, God has decided that this should be done with a complete lack of restful sleep. With all due respect, I'm not sure this is such a great idea, however, considering the very low statistical probability that a couple will have twins, this offsets the bad design. Unless it happens to you...which is where we are today.

That being said...Kelli, yet again, has proven to be my personal hero, because she does all this stuff ALONE during the day, and when I come home from my gallavanting (aka, my job) then my real job starts, which is keeping the machine going, and going, and going.

So...all this circles back to the reason for such a long time between posts. We are under fire here people! We need to call in an airstrike, asap! We are under fire!

So....since we last spoke, we've been keeping the kids alive, and we've moved into a new house, and yes, doing these two things simultaneously is a terrible idea....truly. I don't recommend it.

But...the house is great, as much as we can tell (we can see most of it now) and the kids love it...they love the backyard and their new room....just kidding. They wouldn't know if I'd sat them down on the moon...as long as there was a bottle and someone to throw up on, they'd be happy. Sounds like college doesn't it?

Speaking of throw up...

Last night, I was holding Isabelle, who was steady holding at 150psi because Kelli had just aired her up, and I, having completely fallen in love with her, wanted to kiss her full little lips. She's so pretty (fat, but pretty...like Anna Nicole Smith used to be). So, I was kissing her and she was kissing me back and it was so wonderful, then Isabelle decided she wanted to show Daddy how much she loves him by THROWING UP IN MY MOUTH. What a treat! And I thought the food tasted bad while it was still in the bottle... So, we've issued a temporary no-mouth-kissing moratorium until it has been determined that babies can keep baby throw up inside baby tummies, and not put baby throw up in Daddy's mouth. Daddy doesn't like to taste throw up, much less throw up that does not belong to him.

Oh what fun....

They really are wonderful little girls, and when they aren't screaming and/or generally going bananas, they are really sweet...I can tell they will be so very kind and sweet, someday, and they will have tea parties, where Maddie will cry when someone used her napkin and Isabelle will end up eating her chair. They are such funny monkeys.

Of course, we like to have fun, because we like the nightlife, we like to boogie, and we're only joking at the expense of our children....they truly are a blessing and we love them very much....and I can't wait until I can show them how to operate a mower and a weedeater. That will truly be a great day!

Well, better close for now...I hear the monsters stirring upstairs. Time to work those glutes and time to make some bottles.

Thanks for stopping by.

Don't forget to stop by the Flickr page at http://www.flickr.com/photos/littleloosedeuce and enjoy cute pics like this one....



Aren't they cute little devils!!! I bet you can't tell they were both screaming there lungs out while I was snapping these photos...

This is the classic Double Wisconsin Pin move that I'm sure Isabelle will use once she joins the Baby World Wrestling Federation. The key here is to push your fingers into your opponents ears to quell there defense. She's got vicious moves. Of course she can always resort to throwing up on you.

Adios moist nachos!

Post 32

"Dirt Farm 1 to Houston...the Izzy has landed"

Well....we have Isabelle home finally...and she spent a little too long in the NICU we are afraid. She looks like a noodle that's been cooking too long...a little squishy and swollen.

PICTURE TIME!

Here we have Jabba the Izzy informing Maddie how poorly her armpit smells. (If you think that smells...you outta check out the posterior of her business...)



...and here they are being sweet. This is a rare occurrence (my opinion may be a bit biased having just been screamed at, puked on, and pooped on...all before 5am this morning).



...and here's Maddie checking Izzy with her sweet karate moves. This emanates from her awesomeness, which is just now being learned by Izzy. You must respect the Mad Dog or it will BITE YOU (or suck really hard on you, because Mad Dog ain't got no teeth).



"Take that tubby! WHACK! This Pack-n-Play is MY HOUSE...and I play to WIN!" (or something really tough-sounding like that).

Charlie's really taken to the girls, and really likes them, probably because they are people that are ACTUALLY SMALLER THAN HIM! Plus they make funny noises and smell like poo. Basically he thinks we've gone to PetsMart and gotten him two new toys...I didn't have the heart to tell him they will grow to be larger than him and will pull his his fur, his ears, and his tail, and generally harrass him for many many years to come. Oh well....he's not much of a deep thinker anyway.



...and here's a picture of Misty the Cow...she's the humidifier we bought for the girls' room. Note the atomized water coming out of her ears. Kelli and I love this thing, mainly because it scares the crap out of Charlie and it's fun to watch him bark like an attack cat at it, second because it's cute, and third because it's great for moistening up hot dog buns. Yummy! Thanks Misty! (yes, we made that name up...aren't we clever little monkeys?).



...and here we are upon arrival at The Dirt Farm. It wasn't a bad trip home, and it was definitely nice knowing we won't be going back to the hospital anytime soon. Everyone there was so nice to us. I am going to miss everyone there, and I am sure they are glad I won't be up there any longer yelling at them. Seriously, they were awesome...Thanks Presby Plano!

Check out the head on Izzy!



...and now for some close-ups...

Here is super-cute Izzy and her giant tongue. Man they really fattened her up at the NICU. She came in at 5 lbs, and left a month later at 8lbs 7 oz. From my last post, you can do the math on this weight gain. Scary. It's not that she's gained too much weight, it's that she doesn't have enough height. I better start saving for her Rascal now.



...and here is little Maddie...she's our talker/groaner and founding member of the Dirt Farm Super Funtime Pack-n-Play Girls Club. As you can see here she's bogged down in wondering how she's going to manage the new member of the DFSFPnPGC. Quite honestly, Kelli and I could tell she was much happier once Izzy arrived, and yesterday all Maddie wanted to do was reach out and touch her sister...luckily she was only millimeters away.



They are such cute little bunnies.