Post 14

Hey there blog people!

What's up in your little world?

Mine, well, all we think about are babies. For instance, did you know that babies use on average 8 diapers per day? So.........with twins, that's 16 per day (yes, I did that without a calculator). So, a large pack of diapers is around 64 diapers and 64 / 16 = 4...which means that a large pack of diapers will only last 4 days at our house. So....that's about $20 for a pack of 64, which translates into $5 per day in diapers. This is the kind of stuff I think about, because I'm the provider. $5 per day doesn't seem like a lot, I know, but it's about $150 per month or $1800 per year, which is probably the amount of money Kelli and I spend on going out to eat......so.....this puts things in perspective.

See, what I need is perspective. Because I don't know how this baby(ies) thing is going to go down. We have too many unknowns going simultaneously, and everyone knows that you can only solve for a certain number of variables with that exact number of equations (well only engineering nerds like me who write blogs...and not very well I might add...but I don't have to tell you that).

ASIDE: Prepare for a classic DK rant....

Have you ever had one of those days where your typing just totally SUCKED? Well today is that day for me. Whatever happened to this whole speech recognition deal? That stuff came out about 15 years ago and it's gone NOWHERE! What's the deal? Are the keyboard people keeping the speech recognition people down? It's friggin BS if you ask me....I swear I'm the only person in the world who hits the backspace key more than the spacebar. To you speech recognition guys, listen up....GET IT TOGETHER! By the way, on my voice-activated GPS (yes I know I am a spoiled child so big deal) when I say "DALLAS" I do not mean "ALICE". No one EVER says into their GPS the word "ALICE" and no one with a GPS ever is going to go to ALICE...so just erase ALICE from the database you bugholds. Back to typing, I should have taken typing in high school. Bad move on my part. Instead, I took Business Data Processing class, which was some sort of program-writing class which requires, ironically, a tremendous amount of typing. Like I'm going to write software...the 80's were such a mess. "Oh yes class, in the future you will write software and programs to do your work for you." Oh that's a great idea! Instead of doing work, let's write programs (which is work by the way) so we can do our work. Why did they try to sell that idea to us? I think my biggest software writing victory was being able to spell my name all across my screen on the Radio Shack TRS-80, that probably cost my school about $8000. Nowadays we wouldn't even sit our drinks on a computer like that (well I might). ...and turns out all this computering and internet technology that took 30 years to develop is used mainly so people can hook-up online, look at nekked pictures of people, and buy stuff. Jeez...that was worth it.

I wish someone would have just sat me down and told me this "Ok, here's the deal...go to college and get a Bachelor's degree in the easiest thing you can think of, then go to law school" That is genius...and even if you don't practice law, people still think "Oh, he has a law degree....wow!" Going to engineering school was such a whip, especially when, after you spent four years memorizing formulas and all this stupid stuff like LaPlace Transforms and soil mechanics, they give you a big Reference Book and tell you, "Here ding-dong, all the crap you learned is in this book...this is all you need". Poor engineers.......destined to be tortured in school, only to find out that the ditzy good-looking business college guys make more money than you and the hardest thing they had to study was accounting (hey guys, it's plus and minus....and I don' teven need a calculator for that). Oh well....turns out it was all for the best for me...I've got two little babies coming and all is right in the world....see, it all comes back to babies around here.

Ok...no more random aside rambling...

END OF ASIDE:

Back to perspective. You see, Kelli and I like to be in charge of our destiny, and right now we've got a new house being built, over which we have almost no control, and two babies cooking up in my little at-home Santa Claus kit, over which we have almost no control. The other piece of this is that all of these developments are what I call negative cashflow operations. These things have absolutely no, or very little, return on equity (at least cash equity). I know, you have untangibles like love and stuff, but this is a cash-on-cash analysis. Now if we knew that we had two future world class highly-paid female athletes on our hands, growing in the Santa Claus, then this wouldn't be such a nervous proposition....and with the house, well, we can always burn it down and get paid more for it than what we paid (you can see that I have it all planned out).

OF COURSE I'M ONLY KIDDING! I would never do that...as far as you know.

So, we are experiencing a little anxiety over the arrival of the Deuce, which is to be expected I am sure (see...this is perspective). What we are experiencing is I'm sure very normal, however I am quite certain that not many pregnant moms-to-be have to deal with a nutball psycho-britches like me. Hey, at least it's entertaining around here at Sticker Patch Manor, aka, the Dirt Farm.

...and where else but at the Dirt Farm would you find yours truly walking around the Dirt Farm yard wearing a robe and loafers, armed with a giant 10-gigawatt mega flashlight looking for skunks, at 3 in the morning? Still haven't found those SOBs, but I can smell 'em, and I'm not afraid of them either so don't even try that on me. Darn skunks.

Why was I up, pray tell? Well, because K-Sweet was up filling her body with dangerous steroids. Yes, that's right folks, Kelli's 'roiding out. She's looking FIERCE too. She is ripped. Last night she pulled a Kerry Von Erich Body Slam on me and then put the dreaded Sleeper Hold on me. That's the last time I will pull that loud-gum-chewin too....I've learned my lesson for good. Yes, it's Roid Rage on the Dirt Farm.

Just kidding, but it's funny for me to imagine her in her sweaty curly mullet picking me up over her head and slamming me through the Dirt Farm House wood floor. I'd pay money to see that in person. I'm still laughing.

Actually, my little punkin' head has Iritis. Yes, the dreaded Iritis. It's an auto-immune disease where the iris swells up because her own white blood cells are attacking her iris, and the swelling irritates the cornea, which in turn irritates the sh*t out of Kelli. She's had it for about 3 weeks and we've been to more Chinese eye doctors than you can pay a $40 co-pay to. You know, if you want me to feel good about having my sick pregnant wife miserable and me having to see you 3 times a week and pay you $40 each time, then don't park your friggin' Chinese eye doctor Porsche 911 Turbo right at the front door in your reserved spot. Friggin eye doctor.......good grief...only 4 more years of school. What was I thinking?

The last Chinese eye doctor we went to, Dr. Hu, to whom we were referred by Dr. Chu, and his wife Dr. Chu, and his mom, also Dr. Chu (no, I'm not making this up, and yes, that's a bunch of Chu's), told Kelli she had to put a drop of this steroid eye drop solution in her eye every hour, FOR 48 HOURS. That's right kids, every hour she gets up, puts in a drop, pinches her tear duct closed for 3 minutes, then waits 57 minutes to do it all over again....and by the way, SHE'S PREGNANT WITH TWINS! Come on God....can we lighten up on Kelli for a little here?

She's a champ, I tell ya. She is one tough hombre and I love her, and I'm in awe of her strength, I truly am. She withstood the needles in the legs, in the stomach, and in the booty, just so we could GET PREGNANT, then go through all this eye stuff, all while lugging around the Deuce, well, she deserves a medal. She's too good for me I tell you. But of course you already new that.

She's a special girl....and yes I am really only saying that because she's on the juice. She's fierce I tell you, FIERCE!

Anywho, other than that, Kelli is doing great. The babies are healthy, symmetrical, and usually standing on Kelli's bladder, which is hell on her and hell on our toilet paper supply.

Better log off for now.

Thanks for stopping by.

Here's a Six Month Belly pic.

It's funny...they say that when you start being pregnant, you measure your time in weeks, then once you get past 6 months, you measure it in months, then at the very end, you're back to counting in weeks (the big countdown).

...and here's my little pregnant pirate sporting her homemade eye patch (thank you very much)

Poor devil. She is not happy. She's getting better now.