Post 18

"I can't lay all the way back when I'm burping, dear, because it makes me want to throw up"

Shakespeare? No.
Part of a sonnet by Yeats? No.
The sweet musical stylings of Def Leppard? No.

The cooing of my pregnant wife while she struggles through Day 6 of bed rest? Why yes indeed.

That's right folks! Kelli is on BED REST....and yes, it's so tough on my K-Ped.

...and I'm not talking about just-sit-around-and-watch-tv Bed Rest...I mean, it's TOTAL BED REST. Full horizontal...laying down...only up for pee and feeding.

Actually, Kelli is doing fine, it's just that her cervix is shortening (it's called "funnelling") not effacing, which is when your cervix becomes thinner ( I know...I don't even know what a cervix is either).

This is normal, of course, but it's just that Kelli is doing all this a couple of weeks early, so....we've got to go on bed rest ( I say WE but it's not ME).

So, you have a short cervix...big deal, we all know it's not the length of your cervix, per se, but how you use it, that's important.

So....bed rest is alot of fun...watching TV, reading, surfing the internet, letting Charlie lay on you like a personal Sealy Posturepedic....

Also, thanks to everyone who has called Kelli and have come by to visit her. She LOVES to have visitors and to receive calls. Really...thanks...it keeps her sane, which keeps me sane.

Bed Rest for Kelli means that there is NO REST for Mr. David....which is fine because it's the least I could do for my baby...but dude, it's a lot of stuff. Christmas shopping, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning....my manicure is already starting to wear off....this is ridiculous.

But really, it's kinda fun for me because I feel like I'm on a mission now. I mean, I am unstoppable...I have a purpose. I cook, I clean, I'm lean (not really...) and I'm mean (yes Sara, I know I'm mean now), I fight skunk smells wherever they are found....I am...Super Dirt Farmer!

I have learned a few things about myself while Kelli's been on bed rest. My Top 15 are:

1) I can do stuff...as long as we do it my way.
2) I'm a big baby.
3) Grocery shopping is actually okay if you just g o s l o w a n d b r o w s e . There are a lot of kinds of canned tomato things...paste, sauce, diced, sliced, whole...good grief. Not even peaches get this much attention, and peaches taste a thousand times better than tomatoes.
4) I like kitchen soaps that smell really flowery (that Mexican soap is awesome...but probably contains jet fuel or something.)
5) The Microwave Oven is one of the finest inventions of the 20th century.
6) I hate to put up clothes...washing..ok, drying...ok, folding...ok, but I fail miserably at the put up. Man I hate the put up.
7) I'm good at loading the dishwasher, and actually don't mind loading or putting up the dishes, excepts for the pots and pans. Why are dishwashers so loud? Seriously...can we get this technology fixed?
8) I'm glad we have a maid to wash stuff like the bathroom floor and the shower....those places are horribly nasty...which doesn't really say much about my own cleanliness. Of course I blame Kelli. She's filthy. You know this.
9) I cannot fold fitted sheets....I suppose there is a way to do it, but I don't know how to do it. Bonus....I don't care if there is a way...my head is too full....no room left for knowing how to fold a fitted sheet. To hell with it. I hate you fitted sheet. A lot.
10) If you wash a red towel in a load of whites, the whites will turn pink. Also, if you think you're some kind of smart guy and pour a bunch of bleach in the whites after they have turned pink, thinking they will turn back to white, you are wrong. Bleach just turns things yellow. So, just deal with pink things like I have....like underwear...which are now yellow.
11) If you buy your wife a recliner in her 5th month of pregnancy because you predicted that she will really want to sit in a recliner as she gets larger month by month...you are a genius. Congratulations, you may be granted a spot in the Husband Hall of Fame.
12) After the babies come, the recliner can go in your office in the new house and can be used for reading and naps. Again, you are a genius....but not that much of one because with the Deuce, there will be no sleeping. Close but not close enough.
13) The amount of toilet paper that is used in this house now is roughly equivalent to the amount of toilet paper used by the entire city of Rio de Janeiro last year. We are actually looking into purchasing technology that will allow us to make our own toilet paper. Again...genius.
14) When your wife is laying down and you are up decorating the Christmas tree, and you run across some ornaments that you never really liked....just keep them in the box and don't put them up....she will never know, unless you post what you have done on a very popular blog. If you do this, then you are not smart.
15) When your wife is pregnant, and wants to watch the movie, The Notebook, do not let her watch it. This movie is what I call a "cry-generator". Almost every scene in this movie causes extreme crying in pregnant women, especially those named Kelli Karr. Trust me, ban this movie from your tv room...it is not fun.

That's it....my top 15 things I've learned since Kelli went on bed rest.

..and speaking of bed rest, it's time for me to get some rest myself.

Thanks for stopping by and I hope we talk to you very soon.

Babies will be here in 6 or 7 weeks. Can't wait! Love those babies...

Have a Merry Christmas, and may your life and the lives of your family members be as blessed as ours have been this year.

Thank you for being our friends and caring and praying for us. You all are too wonderful for words, and are so much better friends than we deserve.

We love you and if we can ever do anything for you, please don't hesitate to let us know.

--D and K and CB and the Deuce.